toad witch 04 - aunt tilly were canning demons Read online

  Vin laughed and put his helmet on.

  Gus and I got in the SUV. “Buckle up,” Gus said, starting the car. “It’s going to be a fun night.”

  AS WE DROVE, Aunt Tillie regaled us with Elvis trivia. “Did you know the name Elvis means wise? It’s Norse…Do you know why he was so sexy? It was a combination of genetics. Cherokee Indian, Welsh, French, Scottish, Irish and German…You know, some people say it was his fat that killed him. He weighed 350 pounds when he died. If Mara keeps gaining weight, she might get up there too.”

  “Very funny, Aunt Tillie,” I said. Not that she was all that far off. In the last few months I’d packed on fifty pounds and was hovering around 270. But I was positive it would all come off, once I had the baby.

  Aunt Tillie went on. “I think it was all the prescription drugs that pushed him over the edge. That poor man. Mark my words, I think his real problem, behind all his issues, was that he had an untreated food allergy. I’ll bet if he went gluten-free, he’d still be alive…But, he knew. He knew he would die in his forties, just like his mother. And, sure enough, he died when he was forty-two.”

  I glanced at Gus. He made a face at me. Who knew that Aunt Tillie was such an Elvis fanatic?

  Finally, we got to where we were going. Hollywood Forever Cemetery. They were showing an Elvis Presley slumber party movie marathon that was going to go on until 4:00 a.m. Blue Hawaii, Jailhouse Rock and King Creole. And after everyone left, that was when the real fun was going to start.

  Gus and I paid to park, although Vin was able to park for free. We unpacked the SUV and walked over to the mausoleum to stake out space, since the movies were projected on the side of the mausoleum. Vin agreed to hold our spot with Aunt Tillie, while Gus and I walked through the cemetery.

  Famous actors, singers, important business men, even Toto from the Wizard of Oz were all buried here. I saw tombstones with toppers in various shapes—the figure of Toto (someone had put a mini-basketball between his front legs), a rock-and-roller jamming on a guitar, a rock-climber, along with the more traditional angels.

  Gus nudged me and pointed to the bathrooms next to the chapel. They were locked up for the night, (there was a bunch of portable toilets for the moviegoers to use), but Vin had assured us he could unlock one of them for us. We walked back to let him know which bathroom we had picked.

  I had never been to a Hollywood Forever movie experience before. There was already so many people there, it made me glad we arrived when the gates opened, instead of when the movie started.

  Elvis Presley records were being played by a DJ and people were dancing on the grass. There was a photo booth, another booth selling beer and wine, various food trucks, popcorn and churro vendors, and a Cinespia Store that sold blankets, wine goblets and other gifts.

  The party atmosphere was unmistakeable. Especially once night fell and the movies started. There were literally thousands of people hanging out on the lawn, watching the movie, the smell of herbs wafting through the crowd. J.J. would love this place.

  It never dawned on me that I’d be risking a contact high by going to an Elvis retrospective. I hoped it wouldn’t affect the baby this late in the pregnancy. At least the smell of pot didn’t make me as nauseous as cigarettes did. But, this being Los Angeles, almost no one smokes cigarettes in public out here. I think outdoor cigarette smoking was actually banned by a lot of cities, especially during droughts.

  I opened the cooler and set out our food and drink on the portable mini-table, while Gus put Aunt Tillie on her custom platform so she could see the screen. Gus, Vin and I sat back, snacked on cheese and deviled eggs, laughed at the movies, sang along with the songs, and just chilled. We had a great time. Although I would have had a better time if my back didn’t hurt so much and I didn’t keep falling asleep.

  I was almost at the end of the pregnancy and keeping my eyes open for any length of time, once the sun went down, was definitely a challenge. Between the second and third movie, Gus and Vin took most of the stuff we brought back to the car. We kept the backpacks with the pillows, jackets blankets and flashlights, and Aunt Tillie’s case with us.

  As King Creole got close to the end, Gus and I hoisted the backpacks and Aunt Tillie, and headed towards the car. When we were sure that none of the ushers or security guards were looking, Gus and I ducked into the bathroom Vin had opened for us, while Vin continued on to the car, so he could drive it off the lot.

  As we sat in the dark bathroom (using our phone screens for illumination), we could hear everyone outside packing up and moving out. After they left, we heard the workers picking up the trash and returning everything to its normal state. It seemed to take forever.

  Gus took a small container out of his pocket and opened it.

  “What is that?” I asked.

  “A little flying ointment, to open my sight,” he said. “You want some?”

  I shook my head. “Don’t need it.” Ever since I got pregnant, my sight seemed to be permanently open.

  Finally, everything was quiet. We unlocked the bathroom door and walked out. Our eyes had gotten used to the darkness, so once we were outside, with the full moon, it almost felt like daylight.

  “Do you see what I’m seeing?” I asked Gus.

  From every corner of the cemetery, spirits were gathering, gravitating to the side of the mausoleum where we had been watching the Elvis movies.

  He nodded, looking around, awestruck. Inside me, I could feel the baby awaken, and look around as well. I wondered how the baby perceived the world around us? Was it as visual as it was to me? Or was it more a perception of energy?

  Aunt Tillie stood beside us, no longer in the skull. She clapped her hands. “It’s about to start! Isn’t this exciting?”

  Through the throng of spirits, I could see some of Hollywood Forever’s most famous residents. Rudolph Valentino, Mickey Rooney, Douglas Fairbanks, Judy Garland, Peter Lorre, Clifton Webb, Tyrone Power, Cecile B. DeMille, George Harrison, Bugsy Siegel, and those were just the ones I recognized. They all looked like they had during their heyday. No one was old or infirm or sick. They were all young and vibrant and excited.

  In front, a spectral stage had been set up, and a drummer, a guitarist, back-up singers, a keyboardist, even string players, were all in place, waiting.

  “I’m surprised he’s here,” I whispered to Aunt Tillie. “He’s not buried here.”

  “He’s doing a special concert tour. This is his first time on stage since his death. He had some issues to work out. There was no way I was going to miss it.”

  The musicians launched into Also Sprach Zarathustra, and the crowd went even wilder, whooping and hollering, as Elvis—young Elvis, the way he used to look when he became a star—strolled out on stage, in his white, sequined jumpsuit with the fringe, carrying a guitar.

  I wondered what people who lived in the area must be thinking, if they were awake. This would be a great neighborhood for a witch to live in. Especially one with enough sight to see both worlds—the world of the living and the world of the dead.

  When Elvis got to the front of the stage, he transitioned into playing See See Rider. That was followed by Proud Mary, Jailhouse Rock, Love Me Tender, Are You Lonesome Tonight, Heartbreak Hotel, Blue Suede Shoes, It’s Now Or Never, All Shook Up, Teddy Bear, Don’t Be Cruel, Hound Dog and it ended with Can’t Help Falling In Love.

  Then, to everyone’s shock, he came back on stage.

  Aunt Tillie was buzzing. “He’s going to do an encore? He never does encores!”

  Elvis went on the mic. “Elvis hasn’t left the building. I wanted to play one last song for you. It’s something new I’ve been working on. It’s called, Leaving You.”

  And he launched into a ballad that was so tender, so moving, so heart-wrenching, I could feel tears running down my cheeks.

  When he finished, he went up to the mic and said: “And now, Elvis has truly left the building.” And he vanished.

  The cheers, and clapping and screaming was so loud it
was almost deafening. One-by-one, all the musicians vanished, as did the stage, and the crowd wandered back to their individual graves.

  Aunt Tillie settled back into her skull with a happy sigh. “Now, that’s what I call a great evening.”

  Vin was waiting for us at a side entrance. He picked the lock, so we could get out.

  “That was something, wasn’t it?” Vin asked.

  “You were able to see it, too?” I asked, surprised.

  Tears shone in his eyes. “In magnificent detail. The King is Dead. Long Live the King.”

  “Amen,” Gus said. Then he looked at me. “Mara, you look…different.”

  “Your belly is in a different place,” Vin said, frowning.

  I looked down at myself. “My belly dropped. What the heck? Is it supposed to do that?!” It had visibly dropped, and not by a little. By a lot.

  “I don’t know,” Gus said. “Aren’t you supposed to know?”

  “What do I know? This is my first baby!” Suddenly, I felt my belly cramp and I dropped to the ground in pain. “What’s happening?” I panted. And then the pain hit again and I screamed.

  Vin picked me up like a rag doll, carrying me to the SUV. “We need to get you to a hospital, now.”

  AT THE HOSPITAL, they rushed me to a room in the maternity ward, and decided to keep me there.

  I shivered. “I need another blanket.”

  My room’s temperature was controlled by the room next door, so it was either too hot, or way too cold. Usually cold. Gus got up to get it.

  “Can you bring me some DVD’s to watch? The internet connection here is too slow to stream. And a sweater. And some books. And maybe a plane ticket, so I can get back home.”

  “Okay to everything but the plane. No one’s going to let you on board right now. You are about to pop.” Gus said, stretching and texting someone. “What size are you now? Quintuple-X? I wonder how much of that is baby?”

  “Ha, ha. Shut up. I’m not that big.”

  “And yet, you are,” said Aunt Tillie.

  “Knock it off, or I swear, I’ll ask the nurse to donate your skull to the Salvation Army,” I snapped. It was hard enough to get them to let us keep her in the room. I told the head nurse that the skull was a religious object, and Gus pulled out his ministry credentials (gotten online) from Universal Life Church, to back me up.

  “You sure are cranky when you’re helpless,” said Gus.

  “You’d be cranky too, if it took them eight hours to insert your IV.”

  Apparently, I was so swollen from being pregnant, no one could find my veins. And everyone tried. I’ve never had so many people, one after the other, called in to poke me with needles. One particularly obnoxious nurse, who was supposedly the head of her department, shredded the veins in my right hand and they had to switch to my left hand.

  Personally, I was beginning to suspect the whole thing was a convenient excuse to use me as a training dummy for failed hematologists.

  Where’s Vin?” I asked.

  “He went home to take a shower and pack some clothes,” Gus said.

  “He lives in San Diego!”

  “Have you seen the way he drives? He’ll be back here before your water breaks.”

  I rolled my eyes. The only thing I really wanted to do, was get out of this bed. Or get out of Los Angeles. Mama Lua was back, the store was no longer in trouble. Aunt Tillie was swooning and happy over her Elvis concert. If it wasn’t for me being in labor…

  Not that I had much of a choice in the matter. It was all in the baby’s hands now.

  “When do you think you’ll give birth?” Gus asked. “I’m tired of sitting in this room, but I don’t want to miss it.”

  “On the summer solstice,” popped out of my mouth before I could stop it.

  “Really?” he asked, delighted.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know why I said that. It just popped out.”

  Gus nodded. “Sometimes, that’s just the way big truths work. They pop out of your mouth, without provocation. It’s like the universe is answering the question for you, and using your vocal chords to do it. Anyway, since we have some time, I’m gonna run.”

  “Where are you going?” I asked.

  “I have another meeting about that reality show. I’ll be back before the solstice. I’ll bring some DVDs for you.”

  And he was out the door. Great. No Gus, no Vin, and no Paul. And he’s the one who should be here, most of all. And I was still freezing, because Gus had forgotten about the blanket. Feeling cross, I pushed the button for the nurse.

  TWENTY-FOUR HOURS LATER, I was in active labor, having contractions every few minutes, and my water broke.

  Vin was sitting in a chair in my room, watching me like I was a caged animal at the zoo. Gus was feeding me ice chips, since I hadn’t had anything to eat since the movie marathon.

  You know what they don’t tell you about your water breaking? It’s not just water. It’s also blood. And it doesn’t stop leaking out of you until you give birth. At least, that’s what seemed to be happening to me.

  The nurse came in with the doctor. “Okay, hon, the doctor’s going to hook the baby up to a monitor so we can check its progress, and the anesthesiologist will be here to give you an epidural.”

  “I don’t need a monitor,” I said, panting. “I can tell you how the baby’s doing.”

  “She probably can,” Gus said.

  “Still, that’s something we’d like know for ourselves. If you gentlemen will excuse us for a minute?”

  The doctor got between my legs and placed an electrode on the baby’s head. After he left, the nurse inserted a catheter, since I was now going to be stuck in the bed.

  “The joys of childbirth,” she said. Then she picked up a syringe off her tray.

  “What’s that?”

  “I’m giving you pitocin to get things going,” she said.

  “But I don’t want any pitocin. I haven’t heard anything good about pitocin.”

  “Already done,” she said, as she finished injecting it into my IV. “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. You can’t trust everything you read on the internet.”

  After she left, I looked at Gus and Vin. “What the fuck? How did you guys find this hospital? Are we still in Hollywood Forever? It’s like you’ve put me into some weird, Mayberry hospital, run by the Three Stooges.”

  “No, it’s a real hospital,” Vin said. “But I agree. It feels like Aunt Bea will be coming by, any moment now.”

  After that, the anesthesiologist came in and had me turn on my side. Gus held one of my hands while Vin held the other one, and the anesthesiologist threaded the epidural through my spine…and then took it out because it was placed wrong…and then threaded it through again.

  I was squeezing Gus’s and Vin’s hands so hard by this point, I could see Gus struggling not to scream as he dropped to his knees.

  Finally, the anesthesiologist was done, I let go of their hands, (to a yelp of relief from Gus). The nurse placed me the way she wanted me on the bed and gave me a button to press to control the amount of medication going through the epidural.

  After she left, Gus was still shaking his hand and complaining about me breaking his fingers.

  “You’re such a wuss,” I said. “You should try being on my side of this.”

  “Wuss? You maimed me for life. I’m never going to be able to write again. I should have given you my left hand to hold instead. Holy Batman, woman, when did you gain super-strength as one of your powers?”

  “It wasn’t that bad,” said Vin.

  “Speak for yourself, vampire,” Gus said.

  “Can you put in a DVD?” I asked Gus, between contractions. “I need something to distract me from the pain.”

  So, he did. A foreign film. With freaking subtitles.

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now? What happened to anything in English? Sitcoms? American comedies?”

  “Well, I’m stuck here watching too, and I prefer for
eign films. You’ll love this one. It’s funny.”

  I was ready to kill him. “You expect me to READ while I’m in LABOR? What the FUCK is wrong with you? Forget your hand, give me your neck.”

  Vin sat there laughing. “Dude. It’s not about you, when a woman is in labor. It’s all about her. You need to get on board with that, before she kills you. The woman’s in pain. Her pain trumps your…anything.”

  “What pain? They just gave her an epidural,” Gus said, massaging his hand. “I’m the one in pain. Mara, press the button and up the dose. You’ll be fine.”

  “Shut it off!” I screamed at him. “Just shut the fucking thing off. I’m not going to fucking read subtitles. I can’t even see the fucking subtitles.”

  FINALLY, the epidural kicked in, and I had periods of sleep, interrupted by my waking up and turning my sight inward to watch the baby’s journey and check on my dilation, and the doctor coming in to physically check on my dilation.

  And then I started feeling the pain again. When I opened my eyes this time, I saw that Gus, Vin and Paul were all asleep in chairs.

  “Paul?” I asked.

  He opened his eyes and walked over to the bed. “Surprised?”

  “Completely. Where are the dogs and Grundleshanks?”

  Paul raised an eyebrow. “You mean Grundle-Z?”

  “Yes, the new Grundleshanks, sorry.”

  “They’re with—” he paused, and I heard the words “my girlfriend” loud and clear in my head, and my heart sank. “—my friend.”

  I turned away and tried hard not to cry. “I thought you didn’t want to have anything to do with me or the baby.”

  “You thought wrong,” he said, and took my hand in his. “Look, this is my baby too. I’m sorry I’ve been such a jerk. I’ve just been…scared, I guess. I never expected I’d be a father. And the conditions of conception were a bit unusual, to say the least.”

  I looked at him. I had to give him that one. He’d been possessed at the time, so neither of us were sure if the baby was doing to be all the way human or not.