toad witch 04 - aunt tilly were canning demons Read online

  Pip’s downfallen face made me glad I hadn’t given him the okay. If there were any limitations I needed to put in place, Aunt Tillie would know.

  AFTER FRANK WOKE up and showered, I gave him $20 dollars to go get breakfast. So, he headed out to Denny’s, while Gus ran out to the local coffee shop, and I went into the cottage and took photos of the wall from every angle.

  IT WASN’T LONG before Gus and Pip and I were all sitting on stools behind the store counter, having breakfast. Gus and I were drinking coffee, (mine was decaf. Gus’s, as usual, was a super-charged, mega-coffee with extra espresso shots), and eating breakfast sandwiches, while Aunt Tillie glared at Pip and Pip glared at all of us.

  “What is your problem?” I asked him.

  “Where’s my coffee? Oh, you can stay up all night and do our research, Pip, you can sit guard, Pip, but where’s my appreciation? No coffee, no tea, no milk, no consideration.”

  “You’re Fae,” I said, “I didn’t even know you needed food.” I poured some of my coffee into a ceramic cup, and handed it to Pip.

  “Tea would be better. With lots of milk and honey.”

  “Too bad I didn’t get tea. How about coffee with lots of milk and sugar?”

  He nodded, so I doctored up the coffee and he accepted it, grudgingly, as though he was debating which he wanted more—the coffee, or the right to complain about no coffee.

  I didn’t bother to tell him it was decaf. If he couldn’t taste the difference, it wasn’t my fault. But I also handed him a chocolate croissant for good measure.

  “Aunt Tillie, Pip wants to go back to the Otherworld to get information on our demon. He has a friend who might know something. What do you think? Good idea?”

  Aunt Tillie’s eyes radiated something I had never seen before. I think it was…pleasure. She looked pleased that I had turned to her for help. “Well, well, well. Actually asking for advice before doing something stupid. There’s hope for you yet.”

  Gus rolled his eyes. “Don’t get used to it.”

  I smacked Gus. “We’re trying to learn from those who are wiser.” Aunt Tillie was positively preening. Pip was quietly sipping his coffee. “Do we need to send him through? Can he go on his own? How do we make sure he comes back?”

  “No, you don’t need to send him through. As long as the portal is up, he can go through it on his own. Or, at your behest, since he’s in servitude to you. Just make sure he keeps the torc on so he has to keep following your orders, and give him a set limit for his return, so he doesn’t take a few decades to come back. Time works differently on the other side. If you take the torc off, or if you die of old age while he’s gone, the bond you have on him breaks.”

  “I hate you,” Pip said, his upper lip twitching.

  Ha. So that was why Pip had wanted the torc off. I looked at Gus, then at Aunt Tillie, then at Pip. “Good to know,” I said. “Okay, Pip, are you ready to do some spy work? I hear that spies are really sexy.”

  Pip gave me a thumb’s up. He had chocolate smeared all over his face and scraggly beard from the croissant, and he looked like a middle-aged elven toddler.

  “Oh, geez. Let’s get you cleaned up, first.” I took his hand, and led him to the cottage kitchen. Once we were there, I wet a few paper towels and wiped the chocolate off his face and hands, so he’d be presentable. “Okay, Pip Squeak. I task you with going back to the Otherworld, gathering whatever information you can about our shapeshifting demon whose shape changes based on its diet, and bringing the info back here…in an hour. Wait. In a human hour, not a celestial hour.”

  Considering an entire Universe was created in seven days, celestial time, I couldn’t imagine what Pip could turn an unspecified hour into.

  “Seriously? You had to qualify that? You don’t give a guy a lot of time, do you?” Pip grumbled.

  “As I will it, so mote it be,” I said, and clapped my hands over his head.

  In an instant, he turned from a green creature with a red beard to a green fog with a red tinge, and he streamed through the portal on the wall.

  I WENT BACK to the store, where Gus and Aunt Tillie were chatting.

  “Let’s assume she’s innocent. Who would have it in for Mama Lua?” Gus asked. “It has to be someone human, who can get into her cottage.”

  I grabbed a pad of paper and a pen. “Maybe an ex?”

  “It would have to be someone she dated recently. If it was a long-ago ex, they would have whammied her after the break-up.”

  “Unless they waited to throw off suspicion.”

  “Unfortunately, I don’t know her dating life. So unless you find a list of all her exes somewhere…”

  “Point taken. I know you don’t think so, but there’s also Mrs. Lasio and her church and that priest. They really want this place shut down.”

  Gus nodded. “I’ve been considering it, and we should check him out. If anyone should know how to call up a demon, it’s a Catholic priest.”

  “Priests exorcise demons, boyo.” Aunt Tillie said. “Not the other way around.”

  “You’ve got to know how to call them if you’re going to learn how to get rid of them,” Gus pointed out. “And Pip said it was someone who was tall and skinny. The priest is tall and skinny. Who else?”

  I added their names to the list and doodled on the pad, thinking. “What about competition? Any competing stores around here?”

  “Good question. Psychic Eye, but they’ve been around forever. There’s Demon Hollow over by Chinatown, we can check them out.”

  “The name sounds promising. Oh! That couple who came in, that the baby vampire was feeding on, they mentioned a store called the Great Goddess.”

  Gus looked it up on his phone. “It’s a new pagan store, in Encino. We can check them out, but anything with Goddess in the name, has to be pretty lame.”

  “Hey!” I punched his arm, hard. “Misogynistic, much?”

  Gus laughed. “You’re so easy. I don’t even have to try anymore. They’re all white light, do no harm-ers, right? Followers of the Witches Rede. You can’t call up demons and do no harm.”

  I glared at him. “Isn’t Hekate in charge of demons? She’s a Goddess, right? You want to call her lame?”

  Gus held up his hands in surrender. “Point taken. Let’s check them out. I’m always up for visiting new places.”

  “Do you have any idea where your demon is right now?” Aunt Tillie asked.

  “No,” I said. “We need to can that thing, before it does any more damage.”

  “Yeah,” Gus sat, looking stumped. “I thought for sure the sigils and the chalk circle would hold it. I didn’t expect it to be that creative.”

  “Peeing away a barrier isn’t being creative. It’s you sucking at containment.”

  Aunt Tillie frowned. “Is it possible that you didn’t complete the circle? That you left some kind of opening?”

  “I doubt it. But I was in a hurry and the pavement was broken and uneven by the dumpsters,” Gus said, looking annoyed. “And the lights kept blowing out. So, who knows. You try drawing a giant circle in the dark.”

  “Don’t blame the lights for your suckage. Aren’t you Mister ‘If you’re a real witch you should be able to craft with a paper hat and a toilet brush wand’ guy?” I asked.

  “Something had to have gone wrong,” Aunt Tillie said.

  “Oh, I can tell you what went wrong. Gus decided to be all fancy and use a Greek incantation.”

  “You don’t know that’s what caused it,” Gus said.

  “Pretty sure. You ordered the demon to leave from the circle but didn’t tell it where to go. So it left from the circle and started chasing us.”

  “Why would the ape do something so stupid?” Aunt Tillie tsked. “Maybe he should use English in his incantations, in future.”

  Gus shot me a dirty look. “Remind me to pummel you, when you’re not pregnant.”

  “I’ll put it on my to do list,” I said, sticking my tongue out at him.

  “Very funny.
Yuck it up, my oversized roly poly. Me making an error happens about as often as Hailey’s comet passes through. Obviously, if I screwed up, I won’t make the same mistake again.”

  I grinned at his discomfort. “We need some kind of binding agent to lock that circle in place, so once it’s up, it won’t wash away. Something that will work on either concrete or earth, to activate and seal it.”

  “Something that works, when you’re in a hurry,” Gus said. “That demon isn’t going to give us a lot of time.”

  I rubbed my forehead. What would bind a circle? Usually, it’s salt-water and incense for the four elements of earth, water, air and fire. But what about the fifth element? Spirit?

  And with that thought, I suddenly had it. “What about blood? Blood carries the energy of all five elements.”

  Gus nodded, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Blood could do it. We’ll always be able to get blood. And it’s fast.”

  I opened one of Mama Lua’s drawers and pulled out a box of lancets. I put it on the counter and sorted out two small piles, one for each of us. “We should keep a few lancets on us all the time, just in case.” As much as I hated pricking my finger with a lancet, it was preferable to being eaten by a demon.

  “What’s up with Mama Lua and these pocket watch cases?” Gus asked, looking at the rest of the contents in the drawer.

  I picked up one of the cases. “I think she’s planning to turn them into mini-scrying mirrors or scrying mirror pendants. There’s an entire box of empty pocket watch and wall clock cases in the storeroom, along with black paint and a roll of black felt. You could probably make the pocket watch cases into cool Christmas decorations, too.”

  Gus looked at me, the wheels churning in his head. “I can totally see that. That would be pretty cool. I’d want one of those.”

  “I know, right? Maybe I’ll try making one and see how it goes.” I closed the drawer. “So, we have the homunculus on a recon mission, and a demon that’s gone AWOL. Do you think it went back into Emily’s yard?”

  “No. We would have heard about it, if it had,” Gus said. “Emily would be here with her lawyer, throwing bones at my head.”

  “It’s daylight. It’s probably holed up somewhere,” Aunt Tillie said. “I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, it’ll be out again tonight, in search of a meal. Especially since you interrupted its midnight feeding.”

  I groaned. “Which means…it will still need a human.”

  “Unless it already ate one after it left,” Aunt Tillie said.

  “And if that happened, we won’t know what it looks like, anymore.” Now it was Gus’s turn to groan.

  I shuddered. “We need to call Nick. See if anything unusual got called in last night.”

  AFTER I LEFT a message for Nick, Gus and I decided to keep the store closed, continuing to use inventory as a pretext, while he researched demons on his laptop, and I went hunting in Mama Lua’s office to see if I could find anything helpful.

  To my surprise, I found an old grimoire buried under a stack of blankets, on an ancient recliner. When I picked it up, it was surprisingly heavy for its size. The baby moved to look at it, which meant it wasn’t just an ordinary grimoire. Knowing Mama Lua, it was probably warded.

  It’s unusual for books to be cursed, or warded, or to carry mini-demons in their pages, but I had heard of it happening. I knew of at least one occult publishing company that employed that methodology. They published very limited runs of their esoteric books, so the books were in high demand, but they were also cursed to ensure that the only people who read them, were the people who paid for them.

  Anyone who pirated the books, or copied the text in any way, ran the risk of activating the demon that was laying dormant in the book’s pages, and then their entire life went to hell in a hand-basket, as part of the curse.

  Holding the grimoire up in the air, I addressed the spirit of the wards. “I apologize for invading your privacy, but this is a dire situation, and we’re acting on behalf of Mama Lua. Please undo any wards on this tome, so that I can find the answers we seek.”

  The book seemed to get lighter in response, and the baby settled down. I breathed a sigh of relief, and settled down to read through it.

  I flipped through the pages. There were Orisha and Loa notes on entities like Baron Samedi, Papa Legba, Oshun, Chango, Yemaya and Ogoun. Ritual Outlines. Altar Construction. Notes on Customers. Cursing and Curse-Breaking. Curiosity got the better of me, so I quickly skimmed through the Customer section first, stopping at the interesting stuff.

  I saw Gus and Mara written at the bottom of the page, and I got excited for a minute, but the page after that was torn out. Dang it. It was like Mama Lua knew I would be looking through this book.

  The page after the missing page, picked up with more descriptions. It started with what looked like half an entry: Seems trustworthy, but something is off about him. He stares at me oddly, when he thinks I’m not looking. It’s past time I let him go.

  For a second, I wondered if she was talking about Gus, and then I realized it had to be an employee. I kept skimming through until I came to a familiar name.

  Morte d’Evil. Baby vampire. Yearns to be dangerous, succeeds at being annoying. I need to turn his focus on more productive things. I’m looking for part-time help, anyway, maybe I can be a good influence on this child.

  I sighed. Guess I’ll have to remove the ban. Maybe I’ll ask him start helping me out around the store. After all, the more responsible he felt for the place, the less likely he was to feed on the customers.

  Master Gav, as Morty calls him. Now, this one is dangerous. I can feel his power from here. I look forward to meeting him, someday. Perhaps the next time I make a trip to San Diego.

  So Vin must be short for Gavin. Gavin McDougal Vestry. My half-brother. Mama Lua had him pegged. And if I could figure out how to invade his dreams on the astral and kick his ass from here to Mexico, it was going to be the least that he deserved. We had a score to settle.

  Emily Arturo. Thinks she is haunted by a demon. Claims she’s finding bones in her back yard. Thought she be a crazy lady at first. Ran eggs over her. Yolks turned black as sin. But why is demon drawn to her? And which demon?

  Looked like Mama Lua was as stumped as us. The next section was a collection of callings. Each page was full of sigils, with each row of sigils having a different name attached. Now, this wasn’t something you’d find in any print books.

  There were sigils for each Orisha, for Fallen Angels, for various beings of the Fey, and for various Demons. There was even a calling for the Homunculus, which looked a lot like the calling for a demon named Empusa.

  I pulled out my phone and scrolled through the photos of the kitchen wall. The sigils to call Empusa matched the sigils on Mama Lua’s kitchen. Empusa. The name sounded familiar.

  “Hey, Gus?” I hollered. “Have you ever heard of Empusa?”

  “Are you hungry again? I think there’s a taco shack over on Vineland. They might have pupusas,” he hollered back.

  I rolled my eyes and stood up. I was going to have to show him the grimoire.

  AS GUS and I looked over the grimoire, Pip came strolling in through the back of the store.

  “I know who your demon is,” Pip said.

  “So do we,” I said.

  “Empusa,” Pip, Gus and I said, together.

  I held up the grimoire. “You weren’t the only one doing research.”

  “What the hell?” Pip asked, looking disappointed. “Why bother sending me, if you’re going to steal my thunder? Does it tell you her feeding schedule? Because I know that.”

  “No, it doesn’t,” I admitted.

  Pip beamed, happy again. “A-ha! Pip has something you need. If you’re nice to me, I’ll even share my information. Let’s start with taking off this collar.”

  “In your dreams.” Aunt Tillie hooted.

  “I hate you,” Pip muttered.

  “Don’t make me compel you,” I said. “Spit it out.”<
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  “Hello? Spit it out? What kind of request is that? I risked my life getting this for you, I expect some kind of pampering.”

  Gus and I rolled our eyes at each other.

  I went out to the fridge, and came back with a cup of milk and honey. “My dearest Pip Squeak. We are so pleased to have you back and on our side. Please accept this offering of milk and honey, the nectar of the Gods, while you tell us everything you learned about Empusa.”

  “That’s better,” Pip beamed, before picking up the mug and tilting the contents down his throat. I don’t think he even stopped to swallow. He put the mug down, wiped his mouth and scraggly facial hair with the back of his hand, and burped. “Ahhh, now that hits the spot.”

  I tried not to laugh. You had to love the Fae and their obsession with milk and honey. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s tasty stuff, but they go bananas over it.

  “So? Talk to me,” I said.

  “Lucky for you, I was able to track down my friend. I had to put the pieces back together before he could tell me anything, but…”

  “Seriously?” Gus asked. “Why was he in pieces?”

  Pip looked at him like he was an idiot. “He tried to show Hekate a good time, while she slumbered. Were you not listening this morning?”

  “I heard you. And his punishment was feeding demons.”

  “Yes,” Pip nodded. “Sometimes he’s the feeder, sometimes he’s the food. You don’t mess with Hekate. Ever. Anyway, as I was saying. Once I put him back together, he told me our demon was probably Empusa. She’s missed the last few feedings. He hasn’t told Hekate yet, because he’s afraid of what she’ll do to him for not keeping Empusa locked in Tartarus. He swears it wasn’t his fault, that someone from here pulled her through.

  “And he told me that Empusa has three days to eat her prey. If it gets away, she might eat something else in the moment, but she’s a little OCD. She will spend the next couple of nights hunting down her original prey, even if she’s not hungry anymore, even if she’s already achieved the form she wants. She gets obsessed.