toad witch 04 - aunt tilly were canning demons Read online

  “About time,” Aunt Tillie scolded as I wiped down the counters. “I’m not some piece of luggage, you can just leave behind.”

  “What are you talking about? You should feel right at home in here with the other skulls, and all the creepy stuff,” I said.

  Aunt Tillie sniffed. “I did not come all the way out here, to be locked up and ignored.”

  I pulled my dust mask off. This place was ridiculously dusty and dark. There was no way I could get it clean in time for tomorrow. I decided to check the register instead, to make sure the drawer was stocked. I wrote down the starting sum, so I could balance the drawer at the end of the day tomorrow.

  “Which begs the question, why did you come out here?” I asked, after I finished my count.

  “None of your beeswax, Missy,” she snapped. “Can’t a spirit need a vacation? You know what would help me? If you left my skull outside of this store. Preferably at Nick’s place, but I’m not fussy. You could…take me to the library and put me on a shelf. Or drop me off at that Hollywood Forever cemetery. I have people I could visit. Anywhere but in here. This place gives me a headache.”

  Incessant pounding on the door saved me from having to answer her. I quickly checked my cell phone, but I didn’t see a text from the cleaners. Nick must have given them the wrong number.

  I unlocked the door and was shoved aside by a tall, lanky redhead who barged in, carrying a box. “It’s about time. I told Mama Lua, I was having a problem. She said she’d help me, and the next thing I know, this place is closed.”

  “We’re still closed,” I said, pointedly holding the door open. “We open tomorrow. Check the hours on the door.”

  But she ignored me. As she stormed over to the counter, her heels clacking on the concrete floor, I gave her a once-over. Thigh-high leather pirate boots, jeans, a bustier that looked like it was out of a bondage shop, and a flowing shirt. Gus would love her. She looked like a female version of him.

  I gave up and walked over to the counter. “Mama Lua isn’t here.” I said, wishing I had some kind of magic teleporting app on my cell phone, so I could conjure her up.

  “Well, isn’t that convenient?! What did she do, get scared and run away because she couldn’t deal with my issues?”

  I tried hard to keep a neutral expression on my face. If there was one thing Mama Lua wasn’t, it was a coward. The woman opened the large box. Inside, were smaller boxes. She opened them, one by one, dumping out gnawed-on bones and animal skulls on the counter.

  I caught one of the skulls before it rolled off and set it back on top of the glass. It was pretty small. Maybe a rat? Ugh. I would definitely have to wash my hands.

  By the time she was done, she had four piles of bones. If I had to guess, it looked like: rat, snake, possum and fox, from what I remembered about skull shapes. Gus was obsessed with bones and skulls, so he would frequently drag me to the Bone Room when we used to live in L.A.

  “Mama Lua had a family emergency. Is there anything I can help you with?”

  The woman leaned over the counter, her squashed-up boobs touching my arm. I hastily moved aside. “You tell me. Look at this. What am I supposed to do with it?!”

  I looked over the collection of bones. I wasn’t an expert, but all the skeletons seemed to be intact—at least, given the number of bones in each pile, it seemed like they could be. “Maybe the Bone Room would want them.”

  “I don’t want to sell them, you idiot. Something’s eating animals in my yard. I want it to stop. Mama Lua was supposed to figure out who or what my hungry visitor is.”

  “Could be a coyote. Or a mountain lion. A homeless person hunting dinner. You could try calling animal control. Or the cops,” I suggested. “It could even be someone pranking you. Are the bones always this clean when you find them?”

  She shot me a look. “Or it could be some kind of supernatural entity, maybe? I found the newest set of bones yesterday morning. Which means there will be another set in two more days. It’s like clockwork. Mama Lua told me to bring her the bones, and she’d be able to read them and tell me what’s going on. And now she’s vanished.”

  “She hasn’t vanished, she’s in New Orleans. She’ll be back.”

  But that piece of information seemed to enrage her even more. “Are you kidding me?! Who ups and leaves the state in the middle of a demon attack? How irresponsible is that? How is she supposed to help me?”

  I rubbed my knuckles against my forehead. “Alleged attack. I mean, really, how can you know for sure?”

  Just then, Gus walked in from the back, coughing. “Oh, cool bones! Love the skulls. How much do you want for them?”

  “You can keep it all,” she said. “Freaks.”

  This chick was getting on my nerves. “Look, as much as you would like me to be, I’m not Mama Lua, and I don’t have access to her memories. Can you just…jump me back to the beginning?”

  She gave a heavy sigh, like my request was a major imposition. “Every three days, I’ve been finding an animal skeleton in the morning,” she said, speaking slowly. “The bones are laid out in a line from my back door to the outdoor grill. Mama Lua said it might be a demon attack and she would take care of it. But instead of doing that, she took off, like a rat abandoning a sinking ship.”

  Well, crap. That didn’t sound good. That must have been the demon Mama Lua mentioned in her voicemail. So this must be the silly child. More like an overgrown spoiled brat.

  “That’s awesome.” Gus laughed, until he started coughing again. I handed him my bottle of water and he took a sip. “If I was your landlord, I’d definitely charge you extra for having an open portal to hell in your yard.”

  We both glared at Gus. “What are you even doing here?” I asked. “Aren’t you supposed to be sweating it out with hairy men?”

  “Forgot my cell phone. Can’t get digits or naked selfies without it.”

  The redhead rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers. “Hello, can we get back to my problem now?”

  “What problem? Sounds to me like you have a wonderful gift on your hands,” Gus said.

  “One I don’t want. Listen, you freaky people might like this shit, okay? But I don’t. I want it to stop. I don’t know why the bones keep showing up. I don’t like it, I don’t want it, it needs to stop. That’s supposed to be your department.”

  “She found the most recent bones on Sunday morning,” I told Gus.

  “Which means, more bones are gonna show up on Wednesday morning,” she said.

  Gus coughed. “Give us your address and we’ll stake out your back yard tomorrow night, after the store closes. Easy peasy.”

  “I was thinking maybe Nick could help the pirate wench here—”

  “—Emily,” she corrected me. “My name is Emily.”

  “Emily,” I amended, “set up a motion-capture camera, and we could watch on the computer.”

  “Where’s the fun in that?” Gus asked. “Something like this, you want to get up close and personal. Besides, if it is a supernatural attack, how are we supposed to stop it, if we’re not there?”

  “What if it’s just a hungry wolf?” I asked.

  “There’s no wolves in California,” he said.

  “You think that, but you’d be wrong. They’re making a comeback.”

  Emily rolled her eyes. “Can you help me out with this or not?”

  “Five hundred dollar retainer,” Gus said. “Our rate is a hundred dollars per hour.”

  I almost swallowed my tongue. There was no way she was going to pay that much. I’ve met entitled people like her before. They’re all about having you dance to their tune, as long as they don’t have to pay for it.

  “Money-back guarantee,” said Gus.

  “Done,” she said, and surprised me by whipping out her check book.

  “Great. We’ll meet you at your place tomorrow night,” Gus said, pocketing the check.

  I wanted to object, but the conversation was moving so fast, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise
.

  “Why not tonight?” she asked.

  “Your own words, it’s not going to show up before tomorrow night. And we need time to prepare. Would you ask Picasso to paint the Mona Lisa in an hour?”

  She looked confused, but she didn’t contradict him. After she left, I locked the door behind her and raised an eyebrow at Gus. “I wouldn’t ask Picasso to paint the Mona Lisa at all. I’d ask Leonardo da Vinci.”

  He waved me away. “Whatever. They’re all dead, aren’t they? So, they’re all the same.”

  “No, they’re not. And you’re going to lose your gay card if you don’t know the difference.” I shook my head. “We so need to get you to a museum.”

  “You’re so gullible,” Gus laughed and it turned into a cough. “Like I don’t know my artists. Please. I just like messing with you.” Gus popped behind the counter and brought out a sign. “Look what I made today.”

  In big, white letters, he had painted “Open On Tuesday!” in spooky-looking calligraphy on a white, wooden sign.

  “Okay…” I said. “Is that necessary?”

  He looked at me, hurt. “Of course, it is. This place has been shut down since Mama Lua left. People are going to be rejoicing in the street,” he said, as put the sign in the window, so it would be visible on the street. “I’m also posting it on all the pagan internet sites. It should be a busy day.”

  I rolled my eyes. My stomach was already starting to hurt.

  Gus coughed again and his phone buzzed with a text message. “That’s Nick. Time for me to go get wet and chat up naked men. See you later.”

  And with that, he was gone. Aunt Tillie’s eyes flared to life in the skull. “How stupid are the two of you? Tell me you’re not going to get involved in demon-hunting.”

  I sighed. “Someone’s got to do it, Aunt Tillie. If not us, then who?”

  “It’s Los Angeles. Home of millions of weirdos. Throw a rock, hit a witch. She can find someone else.”

  “But Gus and I are a very special brand of weirdo.”

  “You’re telling me,” she muttered.

  “Exactly. Weirdos like us are on the rare side.”

  “So what’s your plan? See if this demon likes its human raw or cooked? Rare, medium or well-done? Whatever’s eating those animals will take you any way they can get you, I’m sure.”

  I shook my head. “Do you know how many people out here think they’re being stalked by evil spirits? And it’s almost never true. It’s probably just a wild animal. Besides, I don’t have much of a choice. Gus lives for this kind of stuff. Stopping him is like stopping a force of nature.”

  “So? Let him go without you. I need at least one of you to stay alive. And you’re not exactly Speed Racer these days. You wouldn’t be able to outrun a sloth. I have no intention of spending the rest of eternity trapped in this store.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Letting Gus do stuff without me, is why Devil’s Point is still in the middle of winter. I’ve learned my lesson, thank you. Besides, we’ll be fine. Wild animals are more scared of humans than we are of them. It probably won’t show up at all if it smells us there.” My phone buzzed. The cleaners had arrived. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boss around a cleaning crew.”

  THE CLEANING CREW WAS EFFICIENT, but there was a lot for them to do, and by the time Nick and Gus returned, I was yawning and ready for bed. Thankfully, Nick was letting us stay with him until Mama Lua’s cottage was fit for human habitation.

  “You had them start in the store? Why’d you do that?” Gus asked. “Are you getting sweet on Nick? Looking forward to a few more nights there?”

  I rolled my eyes. “As if. We have to open this place tomorrow. I figured it took priority.”

  Gus shook his head. “If you want something done right…”

  “Leave it to a woman,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

  He put his hands up in surrender. “Fine, you win. Nick can take you home and I’ll stay and supervise the crew.”

  “Yes, please. I’m falling asleep standing up. At least you’re not coughing as much anymore,” I told Gus, as we switched places. And he wasn’t. Just a few little ones here and there.

  “Thank the gods. Steam room, water, more steam room, saline nasal spray, more steam room, swimming, more steam room, another gallon of water. I’m so waterlogged, I squish. Look at my neck. Have I started growing gills?”

  I laughed. “Not yet. But I’ll bet you five dollars that Nick’s got a humidifier running back at the apartment. So I’ll expect to see some fish action out of you by morning, Gill Man.”

  Nick honked his car horn, impatient. I waddled out as fast as I could, while Gus stayed to supervise the crew and work on whatever else he was concocting for our demon-busting foray tomorrow night.

  WHEN MORNING FINALLY ARRIVED, I was the first (and only) one awake. Nick had gone back to the store to help Gus after he dropped me off. They must have gotten back late, because they were both snoring away like well-oiled machinery. I knew Gus only snored like that when he was completely exhausted. Even though he claims that he never snores.

  So, I took my phone and shot video of the two of them. I also made an audio recording, just in case. Next time Gus accused me of blaming my snoring on him, I was going to whip out my phone as proof.

  They were still asleep, by the time I was showered, dressed and ready to go. Even my banging around in the kitchen, making breakfast, didn’t rouse them. So, I left them a note and called a car to drive me to the store. It was surprisingly easy and not as expensive as I thought it would be. Although, if you did it all the time, I could see where it would add up. Los Angeles was still, very much, a car-dependent city.

  WHEN I ARRIVED at the store, I was shocked. The ritual and socialization areas in the back were spotless. They looked pressure-washed. All the broken glass had been swept up, the dishes washed, the outdoor kitchen and bathroom cleaned. Even the cushions, blankets and drapes looked like they had been laundered.

  I unlocked the door to the store and looked around. Not only was the indoor bathroom clean, everything—merchandise, counters and shelving units—had been dusted, the floors swept, the cobwebs removed. They had even cleaned Mama Lua’s office and organized the storeroom. And what amazed me the most, was that sunlight was streaming through a skylight in the ceiling, lighting everything up. It had been so dirty and so dark in the store before, I didn’t even realize the building had a skylight. Those crime scene cleaners knew their business. Everything sparkled.

  I sighed in relief. The store had seemed so spooky before. But this…this was awesome. Even the energy felt lighter and cleaner.

  The only downside was that Aunt Tillie wasn’t talking to me. I said “Good morning,” to the skull, but it remained dark. Either she was asleep, or she was pissed about all the people in the store last night. Or she was pissed about us going to Emily’s tonight. It was a toss-up.

  I shrugged it off and walked around, trying to memorize all the items Mama Lua sold. Anything I didn’t know the use of, I googled. I was just looking up Devil’s Shoestring when my phone buzzed with a group text to me, Gus and Nick. It was from the cleaners. They were coming in today, to finish cleaning the cottage and yard next door.

  I was suddenly overcome by an overwhelming surge of love for these people. I didn’t know their names or who they were, really, but anyone who spent their lives cleaning up after natural disasters and crimes, making homes livable again, was a hero to me.

  Gus showed up when they arrived, and let them into the cottage, while I opened the store. After I unlocked the front door and turned the sign to open, Aunt Tillie finally surfaced.

  She actually came out of the skull and sat on the counter to glare at me. She was dressed in an A-line skirt and must have looked like she used to, in her heyday.

  “Wow, you look good. Big date?”

  “You have to stop leaving me here.”

  “Relax, Aunt Tillie. It’s only been a couple of days. As soon as the cleaners are do
ne next door, we’ll be staying here, too. You won’t be here alone.”

  “Well, la di da and good for you. I want out of this place. I’m sure that Nick person has room for a skull.”

  “I am not dumping you on Nick,” I said, frowning. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?” It wasn’t like Aunt Tillie to sound so…weirdly panicky.

  The bell chimed over the door, and Aunt Tillie quickly zipped back into her skull as a couple walked in. The man was tall and skinny, hunched over with a pinched face, long nose and glasses. He reminded me of a human flamingo. The woman was much younger, blonde and botoxed with store-bought boobs and designer heels.

  I opened my mouth to greet them, but the woman spoke up, talking over me. “Thank goodness you’re finally open. We’ve been waiting forever.”

  I tried not to roll my eyes. It didn’t take us forever to get here, after Mama Lua’s call. The constant need for instant gratification these days was insane.

  “She was going to give up and go to the Great Goddess instead, or over to Psychic Eye, but I told her to try again today,” the man said, his dentures moving oddly as he spoke. “Mama Lua has the most interesting items.”

  I wondered if the Great Goddess was a new pagan store. It didn’t sound familiar. I also hoped the man’s dentures weren’t about to fall out of his mouth. It was disturbing enough watching him try to talk around them.

  I sent up a quick prayer to the Goddess: please don’t let my face mirror my feelings. I didn’t want Mama Lua to lose customers because of me. Given the age discrepancy of the pairing, he must have money to spare.

  “What can I help you with?” I asked.

  “We’re looking for a birthday present, for a very special little witch,” the woman said, dragging a finger across one of the counters. She looked at her (dust-free) finger and made an approving noise.

  I was glad that the cleaning crew had been so thorough. It had gotten rid of a lot of the ambience, when they got rid of the cobwebs and dust bunnies, but the space, overall, felt happier to me. Who knew that places could feel sad when they were dirty or cluttered?