The Thief Who Stole Midnight

  The Thief Who Stole Midnight

  Christiana Miller

  HekaRose Publishing electronic publication date: January 2013

  Electronic 2nd Edition

  Copyright © 2012 Christiana Miller

  All rights reserved.

  This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the writer's imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales or organizations is entirely coincidental.

  The Thief Who Stole Midnight

  Copyright © 2012, 2013 Christiana Miller

  www.christianamiller.com

  Edited by: Tana Panagopoulos

  Cover Art by:

  Littera Book Designs

  HekaRose Publishing

  www.hekarose.com

  All Rights Are Reserved.

  No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

  Electronic Edition License Notes

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  THE THIEF WHO STOLE MIDNIGHT

  A farcical romp from the bestselling author of Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead.

  Mike and Maddie, a young couple with a new baby, are rushing home to prepare for their first family New Year's Eve party. When they arrive, however, they're shocked to find their apartment has been robbed. Even worse, the burglar is still there -- sound asleep on their bed!

  But it's New Year's in Chicago, which means that they're on a wait list for the cops and Maddie's anti-Chicago, pro-suburbs family is due to arrive any minute. So Mike and Maddie tie up the burglar and hide him in their room, hoping to fake their way through the party until midnight.

  When Mike's born-again Wiccan grandmother unexpectedly shows up with her new boy-toy husband, things go from weird to wacky. Then, when the cops arrive right before midnight and arrest Mike and Maddie for unlawful detainment and kidnapping, things go from wacky to worse.

  Soon, Mike, Maddie and Maddie's best friend, Rio, are down at the police station, each pleading their view of events, about the New Year's Eve party that none of them will ever forget.

  DEDICATION

  To my mom, Helen, and to my big, wacky Greek family -- yes, that's right, I'm talking about you, Christina, Dina, Jimmy, Nicki, K.J., Zoe, Noah, Christopher, Ana, Michelle, Rochelle, Sammy, John, Ismini, Koula, Tom, Niko, Dina, Telly and everyone back in Greece -- for filling my life with story material.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Big THANK YOU's go to:

  The crew at Backspace and to everyone who participated in the title competition, especially the winners, Keith Cronin and J.E. Taylor, whose titles were combined for this story. You guys are awesome!

  And a huge thank you to Lou Ann Warren, Rachal Bales, Bobbie Sue Ramsey and Natalie Bonnan-Moriarty for being part of the posse and for combing the manuscript for editing faux pas. I don't know what I would have done without you!

  Also, to all my fans, friends and family, for keeping me smiling during a trying time. Especially Troy, Steph, Gail, Mark, Stephanie, Colin, Marty, Julie, Skippy, Griffin, Mark, Niki & AwenRose. You've all been lifesavers. I hope you get a chuckle or two out of this story.

  And, most of all, to my friend Rio, who's been my unintentional muse and stalwart friend since we met in college, and whose very cool name I appropriated for my character. You rock, girlfriend!

  Table of Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Author's Note

  About the Author

  Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead (excerpt)

  CHAPTER ONE

  It was New Year's Eve, Chicago-style. Which meant loud, raucous and cold. Forget New York, Chicago was the city that never slept. Mainly because if it ever did, everyone would freeze to death. The wind chills coming off Lake Michigan could be brutal.

  Don't get me wrong -- I've always loved Chicago. It's a city where the bizarre is normal, the dead lead active social and political lives, and crime is inventive. But the weather's gotta be some kind of karmic payback.

  But this story isn't about me. It's about my friends, Mike and Maddie, who live in Chicago, and the New Year's Eve party that almost destroyed their marriage.

  Mike and Maddie had one of those marriages that could make your blood sugar spike. He adored her, she adored him, and after their white-picket-fence wedding, they were blessed by a pink-cheeked baby. So who could blame them for thinking that happily ever after was what was going to come next.

  Of course, as any parent knows, what actually did come next were sleepless nights, sex as a distant memory and the inevitable invasion of the in-laws.

  On this particular New Year's Eve, Maddie's parents had descended earlier in the evening, hoping to baby-nap Sophie for a few hours. Although they called it getting quality bonding time with their granddaughter. Since Mike and Maddie needed time to get ready for the New Year's Eve party they were hosting, it turned out to be a win-win all around.

  Well, that's what Mike and Maddie were supposed to be doing. Instead, they snuck out for a romantic evening together -- their first since Sophie had been born. And who could blame them? Although, if it was me, my first taste of freedom, I would have been high-tailing it to a spa for some quality alone time. But then, I've never been as stupidly in love as Mike and Maddie were.

  Honestly, with the way those two were always so kissy-face with each other, I was shocked that they didn't just go straight into the bedroom for hours of wild monkey sex. Going anywhere with them was embarrassing. Parties, dinners, movies, no matter where they were, they were attached at the lips. You never knew where to look.

  But what Maddie missed most wasn't the sex -- make of that what you will -- it was the ooey-gooey, double-thick, deep-dish pizza at Zeke's Tavern. So, that's where they went, for pizza, a pitcher of sangria and a game of pool. Afterwards, they took the elevated train back to Wrigleyville. It was while they were walking home that their evening really started going haywire.

  CHAPTER TWO

  It was still snowing when Mike and Maddie got off the El train. Earlier in the day, the flakes had been big and wet, the kind that melted the minute they landed. However, as the temperature dropped, the wetness on the ground soon turned to ice. Now, the ice was covered with snow, making the sidewalk slippery and tricky to maneuver.

  Mike pulled his gloves out of his pocket, and a wadded up bunch of brochures fell out onto the snow-covered curb. He picked them up and shook them at Maddie. "Your mom's sent me every brochure ever printed about the suburbs. Northbrook, Oak Brook, Downer's Grove, Wilmette, Skokie. I don't know if she wants us to move or open a travel agency," he sai
d, dropping the brochures in a nearby trash bin and pulling his gloves on.

  Maddie rolled her eyes. She knew how pushy her mom could be when she got her mind set on something. "She's just worried about her granddaughter."

  "Why? Chicago's a great place to raise a kid. We have everything -- museums, theater, art, culture, the Cubs. It's not like we live next to a crack den in Uptown. We're in freaking Wrigleyville, for cripe's sake. It doesn't get much safer than that."

  Maddie was inclined to agree with him, until she spotted a massively overweight, drunk Baby New Year, running down the sidewalk, wearing only an oversized baby bonnet and diaper, and carrying a wallet.

  She instinctively grabbed Mike's arm.

  Mike started laughing. "I can't believe they make diapers that big. I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks."

  Baby New Year slid on a patch of ice, his arms windmilling. For a second, it looked like he was going down. But he flailed around until he got his feet back underneath him and he started running again.

  In the distance, a lanky old man was half-hopping, half-running down the sidewalk behind Baby New Year, periodically waving his cane in the air and hollering.

  Mike whipped his gloves off, took out his cell phone and started recording. "This is priceless."

  As the old man got closer, they could hear what he was saying: "Stop, thief! He stole my wallet!"

  Maddie smacked Mike's arm. "What's wrong with you? Go help him."

  "No way. This is Chicago. Getting involved in the middle of crimes could get you shot." Mike said, as he continued filming.

  "You said Wrigleyville was safe."

  "Safe is a relative term. Besides, this way, we'll have video to show the cops. They can use it to ID the guy. Or we can sell it to the news, if they do something exciting."

  "When did you become so mercenary?" Maddie said, exasperated.

  Just then, Mike's phone died. "Crap. My battery's dead. Do you have your phone?"

  Maddie took it out of her purse and handed it to him. "It doesn't take video, but you can snap pictures."

  Mike made a face as he took it. "You really need to upgrade. Pictures don't pay as much as video."

  "I don't want a smart phone." Maddie said. "As long as this one can call out, it's fine."

  Baby New Year slipped again, trying to avoid one of the city's cat-sized super rats and this time, he went down. The wallet went flying. Baby New Year scrambled after it, but as he tried to get up, he slipped on another patch of ice. Meanwhile, the old man was closing the gap.

  "Oh, man, this is getting good." Mike said.

  "You know what I do need to upgrade to?" Maddie asked. "A husband who cares about his fellow man. Are you really going to stand there and let that old man get flattened by a clumsy, half-naked mugger?"

  Mike sighed and shoved the phone back at her. "Fine. You take the pictures. But if I get shot, it's going to be all your fault."

  "He's wearing a diaper." Maddie said. "The only gun he's concealing is shriveled up and frozen."

  Mike stepped down off the curb and crossed the street. But the old man got to Baby New Year first and started whacking him with his cane. One hard smack across the shins, and the big guy went down again. Another smack on the hand, Baby New Year yelped and dropped the wallet.

  The old man snatched it up with a cackle of triumph. As he was checking through the cash and cards, Baby New Year got on his feet and, in an impressive, hopping-limping-running motion, managed to get down the street and jump on a Clark street bus as it pulled away.

  "See? It all worked out on its own," Mike said, crossing back to Maddie's side.

  "My mom may be on to something." Maddie said, as she watched the bus trundling down the road. "I've heard Evanston's a great place to raise a kid."

  CHAPTER THREE

  As they continued walking, Mike put his arm around Maddie and tried to nuzzle her neck -- or at least, what he could get to under her scarf and coat collar. But, after getting a mouthful of wool and an accidental shoulder in the jaw from Maddie, he finally gave it up.

  "What time are your parents coming over?" Mike asked.

  "Nine." Maddie said, checking her watch.

  "That early?!" Mike's voice shot up the register into a squeak. He cleared his throat and said again, deeper. "I mean, that early?"

  Maddie laughed. "What time would you like them to arrive, unsociable one?"

  "Ten minutes to midnight."

  Maddie snorted. "With the parking around here, you're lucky they didn't arrive yesterday and camp out in our living room."

  Mike sighed. "New Year's Eve parties are supposed to be for friends. Not relatives. Friends. You get drunk, you toast midnight and you escape to somewhere private for wild monkey sex. Do your parents really have to come over?"

  "Considering they have our baby, I'm going with yes." Maddie said. "Wild monkey sex... I like the sound of that. Can you still have wild monkey sex when you become an old, married couple?" She grinned.

  "I think it's time we reclaimed our youth," Mike said. "Come on. You and me and some grown-up fun time before the chaperones show up," He ran his hand up under her coat.

  Maddie jumped as Mike's roving hand found its way under her sweater. "You're incorrigible. And your hands are freezing."

  He sighed and put his gloves back on. "At least my family has enough sense to stay home on New Year's."

  "That's because your family lives in California." Maddie said, linking her arm through his as they walked.

  "Exactly. You don't see them hopping on a plane, do you? We enjoy our distances."

  Maddie sighed. "Honestly, I don't get your family at all. I would have thought they'd catch the first plane out here to spend time with the baby. Now, I'm just hoping they meet her before she starts kindergarten."

  Mike's cheeks reddened and he looked away. "Well, yeah... about that... They wanted to fly out, but I told them we were all down with swine flu and it's super-contagious."

  "You did what?!" Maddie asked, torn between furious and amazed.

  "One set of parents for the holidays was enough. Don't worry -- we'll be over it by spring. They can fly out for Easter. Better yet, we can fly out there in June. It'll be fine. I promise they'll get to know little Sophie. Eventually."

  "Mike! That's so not okay."

  "Yeah, but what's done is done. No use trying to undo it now." Mike said, cheerfully. "Besides, the more relatives we have descending on us, the less chance we'll ever have to have sex again."

  Maddie sighed and shook her head.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Okay, I have to step in here and call shenanigans. I knew exactly why Mike wanted to keep their families apart, and it had nothing to do with his sex drive. Maddie may have been too pie-in-the-sky during their wedding to notice it, but I had an up-close and personal view to the dynamics between the two families.

  Maddie came from an old-fashioned, Greek Orthodox, blue-collar family. They'd been living in Chicago since her grandparents immigrated here with their children. They were all about family values, faith and the unquestioned superiority of all things Greek. And it didn't matter how many generations removed they got from the motherland. Greek wasn't just their heritage or their culture, it was imprinted on their souls.

  When Maddie fell in love with a non-Greek boy, I thought her parents were going to disown her. When they found out he was a vegan from Los Angeles, they acted like he robbed banks in his spare time. Now, not only was he not Greek, he was actively weird.

  Maddie's mom regaled her with stories about how California was full of those homicidal Manson Family people, and how some of them could still be there, hiding out, living normal lives -- until they felt the compulsion to gut someone. And without an extensive background check and DNA testing, there was no way Maddie could possibly be sure that Mike's family tree didn't have some low-hanging crooks, murderers and lunatics hidden among the branches.

  It wasn't until Maddie swore -- in front of a priest and on three bibles -- that she
was going to raise her kids Greek Orthodox and she'd never leave Chicago's frigid winters for the glitz and heat of Hollywood, that they finally eased off and let her marry Mike.

  Up until that point, I wouldn't have put it past Irini, Maddie's mother, to lock Maddie up in a convent until Mike found someone else to hound dog after. So, when Mike and Maddie got married, they had -- of course -- a typical, Greek Orthodox wedding in Chicago. Anything else would have probably gotten Mike shot.

  But that's just how it goes when you marry into a Greek family. You can take the girl away from the family -- or try to -- but you'll never get the family away from the girl. After all, marriage only lasts until death do you part -- if that long. Family is for eternity.

  By the time I got to the church, it was full to bursting with Maddie's over-emotional, Greek family, laughing, crying and carrying on, along with a handful of Mike and Maddie's college friends.

  And, in one corner of the church, was Mike's family. They were looking kind of isolated, and I wasn't in a Greek drama mood, so I went and sat with them. Thankfully, Maddie's family didn't pay them much mind, or they would have grabbed their daughter, left the church, and scheduled Maddie for a private exorcism later. Mike's family is nowhere near normal. Seriously. I don't mean this in a bad way, but they didn't even pass normal on their way into town.

  Mike's mom, Crystal, is a middle-aged, New Age chick in an alternative marriage. She was there, wearing a vintage thrift shop gown with hippie beads, and accompanied by both her husbands. Her one husband had a military haircut and the kind of stiff, upright bearing that is second nature to ex-soldiers. Her other husband had his long hair tied back in a pony-tail, and every now and then, I caught a glimpse of tattoos under his clothing. They didn't make a big deal of their family arrangement, so Maddie's family wrote one of them off as Mike's uncle and didn't think twice.